Quality will out

Schadenfreude is a beautifully ugly thing.

I don't miss work at all. I mean, I still catching myself starting to try and think about work and then get a little jump of lightness when I remember I don't have to ever do that crap again. It used to make me nervous like only children can get nervous just thinking about the stuff on my plate the next day. I guess I'm a bit obsessive and that used to exacerbate it. Fuck I'm glad to be out of there. An apparent addiction to hangovers (for that was my major memory of any socialising), quiet depression and a mid-life crisis of note was staring me in the face.

But back to Schadenfreude. It makes me wish I'm being horrifically missed and imagine the number of times that they've almost called me for help but stopped themselves last minute. Reality is that 'shit fills the space given it' (i.e. my vacuum will be moved into with a sonic boom) and almost certainly with more enthusiasm and freshness than I've been able to donate for some time now. So they're better off. I'm better off. But nonetheless I hope they're hurting.

Schadenfreude is the most under-estimated and most damaging of human emotions. I'm not sure of the exact definition, but for me it's the very worst of jealousy; enjoying another's failure. Measuring yourself relative to others rather than your own happiness/success etc. I have an exceptionally rich seam of it. Like feeling a brief thrill when another country goes into recession or people at work get fired. Symptoms of the same ailment. I shouldn't feel good about it - both are more likely to do harm me than do good to me - but I do. Until I catch myself and react 'appropriately'.

Men get it more than women. Maybe something about being more naturally competitive. But I'm an empathetic bloke, so there must be a battle going on somewhere in my head between the rational and the primeval. There must be a point to it, but perhaps it's the dark side of that which makes us move onwards and upwards - competitiveness, ambition etc.

Last night it struck me I hadn't actually spoken to anyone, rather than those working in shops etc., all day until my wife got home. Hadn't noticed at the time, but it's a curious thing. I don't think I mind it - happy with myself and a little schizophrenia keeps you company - but can see how people go stir fry or agoraphobic.